10 Greatest Movie Montages of the ’80s

Whether used to depict training or competition in sports movies or simply to convey a sugarcoated sense of general winning-ness over time, the montage has become an inescapable staple of American cinema. What’s more, dressed for success, this cinematic cliché was embraced in the Eighties as it was in no other decade.

What was it about the montage technique that was so beloved of the era of spandex, bad hair, worse dress sense, big egos, and a love of male muscle? We can but guess — though it did of course provide an excuse for an extra slice of cheesy Eighties music to be layered on top of this hamburger of different shots and episodes cut together. Here are ten of the best.

 

10. The Karate Kid

Ah, The Karate Kid. The classic 1984 teen martial arts movie that brought us “wax on, wax off” and the path to manhood of Daniel LaRusso (played by a baby-faced Ralph Macchio) who proved that even pre-pubescent pups don’t have to be bullied by the bad guys. During the course of the movie, “Daniel-san” not only gains a father figure in the verbally challenged Mr. Miyagi but gets a girl who looks twice his height and twice his age — although he has to wait until the sequel for his balls to drop, and by then his love interest has dumped him for a football player.
Despite a memorable finale, in which our pint-sized hero battles his nemesis, Johnny “sweep the leg” Lawrence, while standing on one leg, it was the build-up to the finale that made young palms start to sweat with muttered vows kindled about spending allowances at the local karate gym. As our hero surprises everyone except the entire adult movie theater audience by progressing through the tournament’s early rounds, “You’re the best!” shouts the permed, Eighties sweater-wearing Ali, and on cue Joe Esposito’s song of the same name kicks in, signalling the start of the movie montage we’d all been waiting for.

Daniel beats up an extra, then nervously bites his nails as the Aryan brotherhood from the Cobra Kai dojo kick ass, watched menacingly by their bullet hole-chinned sensei, an ex-Vietnam Special Forces sociopath. But runt Daniel does (less-than-convincingly) step up to the plate to show he’s got what it takes in the fighting stakes. It was the Eighties with a crappy white bandana, and we loved it. Sorta.

9. Scarface

What was it about the Eighties that so equated montage sequences with perceived success? Sure, they signify the passing of time and stuff (building friendships and relationships, yadda, yadda), but when have you ever seen the editing technique used to say: “Things are screwing up here?” Well, in 1983′s Scarface actually, where the montage mixes up the two opposing meanings like a cocaine high with a booze and drugs hangover.



Brian De Palma’s lurid gangster epic needs no introduction, its ultra-violent tale of snow blind ambition and excess under the Miami sun a symbol of all that was wrong with the Eighties… This and insipid, tuneless synth songs like “Push It to the Limit” by the long-forgotten Paul Engemann, whose tune was the soundtrack to the movie’s obligatory montage. As the dirge fades in and the money counter whirs, Al Pacino’s Tony Montana sets up coke deals, laughs on the phone about who has the best chest-revealing collar and teleports to his own wedding, and all in the space of two minutes.

The rise to power and wealth of a Cuban refugee never happened so fast — nor dressed in such a bad white suit. But after Tony has shown his guests his pet tiger and the tasteless life-size painting of himself and new wife has been unveiled, the cracks in the surface are all too visible in the numbed face of wife Elvira Hancock (played by fox, Michelle Pfeiffer). The chainsaw massacre and the iconic line, “Say hello to my little friend!” may have stolen the headlines, but this movie montage said it all.

8. Ghostbusters

What with the endless talk of a sequel (hopefully not destined to be the movie equivalent of ectoplasmic egg on your face), how could we forget 1984′s Ghostbusters? But let’s not forget what an awesome slice of cinematic history the original movie was. Complete with an all-star cast, comedy and sci-fi combos never got better as Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ray Stantz (Dan Aykroyd), Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) and the black dude kicked ghost ass and took spook names. From the opening Slimer scene, through to the possession of Dana (Sigourney Weaver) by “The Gatekeeper” and Louis (Rick Moranis) by “The Keymaster,” and on to the awesome climax involving splattering Stay Puft Marshmallow Man by crossing the streams, the movie was ghost-capturing gold dust throughout.



But in which two minutes of the movie was all this awesomeness best encapsulated? C’mon, it was the Eighties — in the montage, of course. News reports and headlines of ghosts and ghostbusting bombard the senses, Ray Parker Jr starts singing “There’s something strange…,” the bell sounds, and the guys are getting the job done (“The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist, then stayed on to dance the night away with some of the lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance”) skidding Ecto-1 around corners, hitting the streets, leaving specters as smoking remnants in traps, and generally soaking up the media frenzy (“Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week,” says Venkman. “No job is too big, no fee is too big”).

And when the camera crews have finished flashing, a sultry spook unzips Dan Aykroyd’s pants, leaving him in crossed-eyed fellatio bliss. Eighties smut! Couldn’t live without it! Legend.

7. Over the Top

How did the concept for this 1987 movie get past the producers’ noses? Only with the help of heaps of cocaine, is all we can imagine. But then, with Eighties action flick hero Sly Stallone at the helm as co-writer and lead actor, maybe it was a foregone conclusion. Like the plot of this movie… Still, whatever we pompous critics of today might say with the benefit of hindsight, back in the day a movie based around an arm wrestling world championship seemed as good an idea as any — even allowing for the hemorrhoid that was baseball cap-wearing trucker Lincoln Hawk’s (Sly) alienated son. What’s more, the montage ruled… Kinda…



With the wailing electric guitars of Sammy Hagar’s “Winner Takes It All” in our ears, and the baying crowds of hicks, scorecard women in leotards, and arm wrestlers chalking their hands and tying their platform shoes(?), it seemed like the wildest party on earth. Even the patronizing announcer rocked, refusing to let us forget the female competitors and spelling out everything we needed to know about the contest: “This is a double elimination competition. You have to lose twice to be out. In other words, if you lose once, you still have one more chance.” Did you get that? OK!

In any case, all you had to do was sit back with some nachos and watch the vein-bulging, hammy antics of brutes like Bull “You ain’t s**t!” Hurley, John Grizzly, and the bearded guy who likes to get his face slapped, as they shouted “Heeuuh!” a lot and smashed each other’s wrists into little red pads on tables. Course, Hawk himself takes on all-comers, and intercut with this beautiful circus of building excitement as his son drives a car to get to the comp and give pop the support he needs to take the prize — which just about manages not to ruin it. Verdict: “Winner!”

6. Teen Wolf

When Michael J. Fox woke up one morning and suddenly grew hair and canines in 1985′s Teen Wolf, I guess all those of us who saw it contemplated what it would be like to be a werewolf, whether our own pubescent fur had started sprouting by then or not. The message was: there’s nothing to fear, son, find your inner animal — and why not stand on moving vehicles dancing to The Beach Boys while doing it? So long as you’re shooting straight hoops.



We’ll be honest, great Teen Wolf was not, but that didn’t stop its movie montage from hitting some high points. So, ignoring the black-and-white part up to about 3.20, indulge in sounds of the frankly incongruous hillbilly-blues ditty that is “Way To Go” by Mark Vieha (Mark who?), as some dude in fuzzy prosthetic makeup reverse passes, spins and slam dunks for the Beavers the way only a lycanthrope stuntman can.

After winning the game for the team, our howling hero struts down the high school hallway wearing shades and high-fiving extras who look like they’re about 30, wins another game for the team, and attends class, in between biting open a beer, eating pizza and savoring with us the sweet piece of eye candy that is Pamela. And unlike in The Karate Kid, you actually believed the wolf man was getting a slice of Eighties sweater-wrapped pie.

5. Bloodsport

If you were a kid in the Eighties, you appreciated the finer points of the performances of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Although “The Muscles from Brussels” ain’t the figure he once was, time was when he was an icon not just in gay circles but for any young squirt with aspirations of kicking ass. And 1988′s Bloodsport — the movie where he played real-life martial artist Frank Dux — may just have been the high-kicking zenith of his career.



The zenith of this movie? Well there were several high points (his wooden relationship with his journalist love interest not being one of them). The final fight between Frank and badass bad guy Chong Li (played by walking pair of pectorals Bolo Yeung) is definitely up there, but it’s montages we’re interested in, and while it’s a close call between the competition and training sequences — the former being a feast of martial arts mayhem acted out by Street Fighter-esque caricatures — we’re going with the latter. It’s a grueling grind of a regime, which basically involves Dux getting his ass kicked by his mentor (we counted him hitting the deck 17 times) in between brief spells of meditation and learning about pressure points.

Add to this moments like the bit-you’re-supposed-to-notice-’cause-it’s-crucial-to-the-end-of-the-film when Frank fights blindfolded (and makes quite the maid around his master’s house) and you know it’s a classic. As for the part where he gets his limbs stretched but takes the pain and pulls the ropes out of the log, well it’s low-budget cinematic history.

4. Top Gun

Top Gun was the 1986 movie that tried to take our breath away as “Maverick” Mitchell (played by pipsqueak Scientologist Tom Cruise) got with “Charlie” Blackwood (Kelly McGillis, complete with mandatory Eighties perm). It was also the movie that taught us that male bonding was possible at altitudes of 30,000 feet and velocities of Mach 2. Yet, while dogfights in F-14s, chicks on motorcycles and quotes like “I feel the need… the need for speed!” got our young hearts racing in this somewhat over-hyped action flick, a less-memorable scene, its beach volleyball montage, worked — like all good such sequences should — as a kind of microcosm of what the movie was all about.



With tops off and bodies glistening in the sun, Maverick and his buddy “Goose” Bradshaw go up against rivals “Iceman” Kazansky (the permanently sneering Val Kilmer) and friend in a high-fiving, whooping excuse for homoeroticism dressed up as healthy male competition. “Let’s go!” shouts Maverick, and before you can say “butt slap!” we’re treated to cut after cut of grimaces, grunts, smashes, slow-motion dives in the sand, and macho embraces. Who wins the game? Who cares? After this testosterone-fueled romp of fighter pilot brotherhood, and music so tuneless it made you queasy, the audience was too out of breath to notice.

3. Commando

Commando was a classic, make no mistake. Did it matter that this 1985 movie had a great dumb lump of a plot — matched only by its great dumb lump of a lead actor in Arnold Schwarzenegger? Hell no! Could we forgive ex-Special Forces operative John Matrix his homicidal tendencies and monosyllabic deliveries? What’s to forgive? If your daughter was kidnapped by a fat psychotic Australian Freddie Mercury impersonator you’d be pissed enough to mow down a private army’s myriad minions in one of the most OTT movie climaxes ever, having delivered arguably the worst/best epitaph one-liners known to cinema (Four words: “I let him go”). Yes, Commando is king. End of.



What’s more, its title sequence was dramatic tension you could cut with a cleaver, made montage. A wife-beater-wearing Arnie pads along the forest floor like he’s stalking an animal, wielding… a chainsaw. But wait, after a couple of lingering biceps shots, we see that slung over this badass’s shoulder is a tree trunk… which he proceeds to chop up with an axe, this being his homestead. Then a shadow appears behind him, and he sees the intruder reflected in his blade. This is man of both finely honed senses and brawn… But is he going to hack the intruder to pieces? No, he’s going to pick her up and hug her — because it’s his daughter!

Credits roll, and with them the most implausible paternal relationship in cinematic history unfolds in images of ice cream eating fun, dad training daughter in martial arts, fishing in mountain streams… and hand-feeding a deer… A domestic bliss… of sorts… And all to an eclectic Eighties soundtrack that goes from edgy synths and steel drums to pan pipes to incongruously romantic strings and back again. It’s an idyll, kids, but trouble’s afoot — and Arnie’s about to blow up trouble with a rocket launcher! Yes!

2. Rocky IV

What Eighties movie could lay claim to single-handedly bringing down the Iron Curtain? Only 1985′s Rocky IV, which prompted a standing ovation not just from Mikhail Gorbachev and his aides in the movie as they listened to the eponymous hero’s victory speech (“If I can change, you can change, everybody can change!”) but doubtless also from the entire Soviet movie-watching public, who must surely have realized that West was best after this.



Yet, despite an epic final 14-round slugfest, in which Rocky upsets seemingly insurmountable odds to overcome superhuman steroid pincushion that is Ivan Drago (played by six foot four inches and 260 pounds of Dolph Lundgren) it was during the movie’s training montage sequence that we saw the truest picture of East vs West, shown through seamless intercutting and to the squeals of “Hearts on Fire.”

While a beanie-d Rocky outruns the KGB in the deep snow, Drago sprints around an indoor track in a leotard; as Rocky hauls a horses and cart out of a snow drift, Drago pumps iron like a gay porn star in a high-tech gym; while Rocky carries and chops logs, Drago’s veins pulse as he pushes massive weights; and as the Italian Stallion cuts down a tree, Drago fells sparring partners, reminding we wide-eyed watchers how he killed Apollo Creed earlier in the movie, uttering practically the only words of English he knew, “If he dies… he dies…” It’s a revenge mission in enemy territory for our boy: Rocky is the mountain-climbing Spartan, Drago the human fleshlamp. If the roles had been reversed and this had been a Soviet Cold War propaganda film, it would have been deemed too extreme by the censors.

1. The Naked Gun

If ever there were a movie that demonstrated the old maxim, “They don’t make ‘em like they used to,” when it comes to comedy, the original Naked Gun is it. From inspired one-liners to timeless visual gags, it’s a relentless barrage of laughing your ass off. (Case in point: Lt. Frank Drebin: “Nice beaver!” / Jane Spencer [stepping down from ladder with the taxidermy animal]: “Thank you. I just had it stuffed.”) The film is so full of golden moments, it’s difficult to pick any particular one. What’s more, 1988′s From the Files of Police Squad! is blessed with not one but two priceless montage sequences.



The first comes when romance is blossoming between Frank (played, of course, by the late, great Leslie Nielsen) and Jane (the ravishing Priscilla Presley). The genius of this sequence is its self-reflexivity, as it shamelessly lampoons the clichés of other feel-good montages with lowbrow comedy brilliance. To the tune of “I’m into Something Good” by Herman’s Hermits, the couple — their relationship newly consummated in human-sized condoms — frolic on the beach, eat candyfloss… and get love tattoos from hairy bikers. Among the slapstick gems are the parts where they squirt mustard and ketchup over each other and the hotdog vendor, laugh their asses off leaving the movie theater having just watched Platoon and — our favorite — the slo-mo double clothesline of another couple as they splash through the waves. Slapstick win.



The Naked Gun‘s other awesome montage sequence is the sheer hilarity that ensues after Frank yells “Strike!” and begins calling the game whilst posing as an umpire in the baseball game finale. Frank does the splits, moonwalks, busts other Michael Jackson moves and generally lavishes in the crowd’s approval. And as the piano chords are struck, it’s more of the same, with the added bonus of him harassing — and bludgeoning — players to frisk them for weapons, and by turns hoovering home plate, producing a sander and Vaseline from the pitcher’s person and “uncorking” a bat. We’re even treated to Ed putting away soda, an ice pop, an apple and a whole cake as if he’s got four hands out of shot. Then the dugouts start communicating with a signal lamp and slaps to the face. Double slapstick win.

10 Badass Celebrities Killed in Car Crashes

“Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse,” may have been the motto of a young John Derek in the 1949 movie Knock on Any Door, but not all of popular culture’s most iconic figures went out in a blaze of glory while they were still in their youth. Indeed, some celebrity badasses have lived to a ripe old age before meeting a messy end in a car crash. Yet whatever their age at the time they were killed, for these legendary stars, even death had to be a spectacle — everything fading to black at a hundred miles an hour.

 

10. Cliff Burton

Legendary metal bassist Cliff Burton was most famous for his time spent with Metallica. He appears on this list due to his introduction of epic bass guitar solos to heavy metal and his contribution to badass music — Bay Area thrash in this case. Burton was not only a cool guy, but was so respected that after his death in 1986 he was admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Burton died on the road at the age of just 24 when his tour bus skidded off the road and overturned in Sweden, crushing the bassist, who had been thrown from one of the windows. He had just switched bunks with guitarist Kirk Hammett, after winning a game of cards with an Ace of Spades.

9. Albert Camus

It’s not just musicians, actors and sportsmen who can be real badasses; Albert Camus conducted his badassery with a pen. As one of the founders of the existentialist movement, he challenged the intellectual system of the time and promoted radical politics with his philosophical writings and works, such as The Outsider (L’Étranger), which included some of the most influential literary works of the 20th century. In 1960, Camus died in a car crash with his publisher after accepting a ride at the last minute. He was 46. Following his death, the French author’s train ticket was found in his coat pocket.

8. Alexander Fu

Alexander Fu’s badassery began at a young age, when despite his wealthy background he spent his time fighting in the streets and training in judo and karate. He became a major Hong Kong martial arts movie star in the 1970s and fought his way back from injuries such as a completely shattered leg to continue kicking ass and taking names. He died at the age of 28, on July 7 1983, while traveling with his brother, who crashed the Porsche 911 Targa they were riding into a cement wall. A final symbol of Fu’s badassery was the shrine that was constructed in his old makeup cubicle to appease his ghost, which is believed to haunt his old movie sets.

7. Jayne Mansfield

A surprising entry, maybe, but Jayne Mansfield’s badassery was illustrated by her total willingness to do anything to get ahead, and her complete understanding of the way her natural assets could be used to her advantage. When compared to other movie stars of the 1950s, she once said: “I don’t know why you people [the press] like to compare me to Marilyn or that girl, what’s her name, Kim Novak. Cleavage, of course, helped me a lot to get where I am. I don’t know how they got there.” She famously even used her impressive bust to steal the limelight from Sophia Loren at a party that was held in the Italian star’s honor by leaning over and exposing a nipple. In 1967, the car in which she, her driver, her lover, Sam Brody, and her three children were traveling in rear-ended a truck. The children survived, but the adults in the front were killed instantly. Mansfield was 34.

6. Carlos Arruza

One of the most famous bullfighters of the 20th century, Carlos Arruza began his bullfighting career at the tender age of 14. Regardless of the ethics of his trade, anyone who thinks bullfighters aren’t badasses needs to get up close and personal with an angry bull. Nicknamed “El Ciclón” (“The Cyclone”), Arruza met his end not on the horns of a tormented bull but in a car crash outside of Mexico City in 1966. He was 46.

5. Joe Rollino

Joe Rollino didn’t need recognition from anyone else; in the 1920s he named himself the world’s strongest man. In his peak physical condition, this second generation Italian American was able to move 3,200 pounds (1,500 kg) with his back, and he once managed to lift 450 pounds (200 kg) with his teeth. What’s more, all of these feats of physical strength were performed on a vegetarian diet. He managed to find time in between work-out sessions to become a decorated WWII veteran, hang out with Harry Houdini and act as bodyguard to famous celebs like Greta Garbo, and he was still trucking in 2010 when, at the age of 104, he was hit and killed by a car.

4. Lisa Lopes

When thinking of badasses, not many people’s minds would immediately jump to members of R&B girl groups like TLC. Rapper and singer Lisa Lopes might be the exception, however, if only because of the extremes she went to to deal with her boyfriend, NFL star Andre Rison, during an argument. When angered by Rison, Lopes set fire to his tennis shoes, and the fire spread and destroyed their entire mansion. Notwithstanding, she was also remarkably candid about her abusive background as well her own alcohol issues. Lopes died at the age of 30 after swerving off the road in order to prevent a collision with several other vehicles, causing her car to hit two trees and roll, throwing all the passengers from the windows.

3. Marc Bolan

Legendary frontman of T-Rex, Marc Bolan was one of the central architects of the 1970s glam rock scene. His badassery stems from his successful efforts to start a trend that had the balls to challenge sartorial and behavioral gender norms, challenging society in bold new ways. He died instantly in 1977 — just weeks before his 30th birthday — when the car he was traveling in sped into a tree in London. The spot was soon turned into a shrine, which is now officially recognized. Tragically, Bolan’s bandmate Steve Currie was killed in another car crash four years after the singer’s accident.

2. Ryan Dunn

Famed for his appearances as a central personality on the MTV show Jackass and subsequent movies, Ryan Dunn was a member of the gross-out, balls-of-steel school of comedy. Though it scarcely needs mentioning, Dunn was a true badass, showing a carefree attitude toward stunts that required a complete absence of fear and even less shame. Just recall the occasion when he surprised a doctor with an X-ray that revealed a toy car had been inserted into his butthole, in a skit in Jackass: The Movie… Dunn’s career — and life — was of course brought to an abrupt end this year when his Porsche 911 GT3 hit a tree at 140mph. His blood alcohol levels registered at twice the legal limit. He was 34.

1. James Dean

The most iconic of culturally recognizable badasses, James Dean made rebellion cool, even for the mainstream, in his 1955 movie Rebel Without a Cause. He was a consummate badass on screen; the personification of teenage angst wearing a leather jacket — and the ultimate enigmatic persona. In his private life he had tempestuous affairs with beautiful women, including young Italian actress Pier Angeli, and avoided the US draft by calmly declaring himself a homosexual (he later denied that this was his sexual orientation). On September 30, 1955, Dean died of a broken neck in a head-on collision involving his Porsche 550 Spyder and a Ford coupe, aged just 24.

14 Superheroes Who Get No Respect

In all the grand tradition of superheroes, there are a number which seem to be eternally whipping boys — scourged by both fans and writers alike. Characters with interesting stories, intriguing personalities, and a whole bunch of potential who just become the butt of everyone’s jokes. These 14 characters all deserve better, because they’re all incredibly cool in their own right.

14. Jubilee

At some point Marvel decided that Wolverine always needs a creepily young female sidekick to keep around him.


It started with Kitty Pryde, then Jubilee, Marrow, Armor, and most recently X-23. Jubilee gets a lot of flack for her dated outfit and seemingly useless powers, but it was the 90s, enormous dayglo trenchcoats were very cool in the world of comics, and the whole valley girl persona was quite topical. Yeah, she was designed to fill a niche. And yeah, her power seems kind of lame, but once you delve into her character, she’s actually pretty interesting. She’s one of the few Asian characters in comicdom who isn’t some sort of stereotype — there’s nothing geisha, ninja, or samurai around her. She doesn’t talk about honor or anything. She’s a teenager who the world hated, and found a family. Now she’s been depowered and turned into a vampire, but we’ll just ignore that.

13. Daredevil

“Herp-a-derp, Daredevil’s a blind guy with the power to see! Lamez!” Yeah, he’s blind and his power is not to be, but completely ignoring the crazy boosted sense and radar vision that he has (and some awesome writing that’s come from that), Daredevil under the right hands is one of the most emotionally wrenching characters in comicdom. There’s this great scene in the Kevin Smith run of Daredevil, where he’s trying to forget his girlfriend who disappeared, but due to his enhanced senses, he smells her perfume everywhere, he can feel the tiny dent left behind by her in the bed. He’s also the person who gets shat on the most by the Marvel universe. No matter how bad things get for Spider-man, he just says “at least I’m not Daredevil!” His secret identity got sold out for smack money, every woman he’s ever loved has died horribly, he’s ended up on the streets more times than I care to think, and his law firm is constantly falling apart. The world hates Matt Murdock, but that’s what makes him such a strong character.

12. Cypher

Cypher has one of those power sets which should be absolutely useless, but under the right writer is just brilliant. He understands all forms of communication, be they written, verbal, electronic, anything. Probably one of the cooler ones to have in real life, when a decent author takes on Cypher they always manage to do interesting things. He can talk to, and control, machines, making him invaluable in any sort of tech heist. Aliens, animals, any sort of living creature he can interact with, and if he applies himself he’s an excellent fighter because he predicts your moves before they come. He may seem like a boring-ass whitebread character, but there’s a lot of heart and soul there.

11. Dazzler

Even when she attempts to modernize, Dazzler his a hilariously out of touch, ex-B-list disco superstar, and that’s what makes her amazing. Yes, she’s totally lame, and wishes she could still perform, which is absolutely perfect. She can work equally well as a comic or tragic character, either playing up just how out of touch she is, or how much her life got fucked up by being a mutant. Or some writers just have her embrace it, being an acid-tongued ex-starlet who can kick ass and take names. Yeah, she’s a horrible disco throwback, but embrace it! It’s amazing!

10. Blue Beetle

Nobody respected Ted Kord — even the people who liked him. An aging Batman clone with a paunch and a heart problem, he was mostly used for comic relief, despite being a genius level inventor and expert detective. Okay I’ll admit, he was awesomely funny, and everything Giffen and DeMatteis did with him was comedy gold, but when he died because none of the other heroes would believe him? Oh man, that was fucking low. And then when the world got mindwiped into believed he committed suicide, it was an even worse blow. In terms of both readers and in-continuity characters, nobody gave Ted Kord the time of day, which is a real shame because he was a fantastic character who could be used for both comedy and straight roles.

9. She-Hulk

Iron Man sleeps with half the women in the Marvel universe and is labelled a stud and a player. She-Hulk sleeps with a handful of guys, and suddenly she’s the superhero bike. Jeez, what a double standard. What kills me is that so many fans and writers treat her like crap, even though she’s one of the more entertaining characters in Marvel’s roster. She’s one of the few heroes who isn’t a walking bucket of angst. She’s not a victim, doesn’t need rescuing, was never raped. She tries to keep a normal life on the side — usually with little success — is unusually self aware about the silliness of her business, and occasionally breaks the fourth wall. Frankly, the world needs more characters like her.

8. Kyle Rayner

Rayner gets a lot of flack for being a 90s character, and generally steeped in bad costume design, a criticism I’ll gladly accept. However, that doesn’t explain why the recent runs of Green Lantern have relegated him to such a minor role after the return of silver age yawnfest Hal Jordan. Replaced as Lantern no. 1 by a character with all the personality of screen door, Rayner deserves better. He was the first lantern that we really saw grow as a character, from his first fumbling attempts with constructs and as a rookie hero to a cosmic powerhouse in his own right, and respected member of the JLA. He actually had character development! So why the hell do they keep ignoring him?

7. Captain America

International readers often brush off Captain America as the pinnacle of American jingoism, which is understandable if you only look at his outfit, but that ignores the fact that Cap is probably one of the most open hearted and accepting characters in the Marvel universe. It’s weird to think so, but for his time period Cap was pretty much a hippie. He was a starving, sickly artist who was a strident supporter of FDR’s New Deal, and whose art was purchased the Government. Again and again he’s shown his willingness to accept the friendship of all people and creeds regardless of where they come from. Heck, he even says nice things about the French (unless you count Ultimate Cap, who’s a troll version). The guys a brilliant leader, proud of his country, and a lover of all humanity. Don’t just paint him with the broad brushstrokes of a weird, overly nationalistic superhero.

6. Martian Manhunter

Another all too often forgotten character, Martian Manhunter puts scoff to anyone who suggests that Superman is overpowered. Everything he can do, J’onn J’onzz can do better. He’s just as strong and fast, can fly, super senses, has super…I mean Martian vision. Beyond that he can phase through objects, completely change shape, and is an incredibly strong telepath. To counteract this, they gave him a very easy weakness — complete vulnerability to fire. I’ve heard it described that he’s Superman but for the Southern hemisphere, hanging out in the Amazon rather than the Arctic, and helping people out — but how come we never see this? Let’s see him rescuing the fuck out of Sao Paulo and Durban and Port Moresby! That’d be so fucking awesome.

5. Tim Drake

Another 90s creation fallen by the wayside, Drake deserves to be lauded if only for being the first Robin to ditch the chainmail briefs. There was this theory I heard a few years ago that explained how the various Robins relate to Batman in terms of skillsets. Where Bruce is overall the biggest of the badasses, Dick Grayson is a better acrobat, Jason Todd was a better brawler, and Tim Drake a better detective. The new kid, Damien, is evidently a bigger sociopath, but Drake’s crazy smarts and detective skills got ignored for years. Nicezia’s work with him in Red Robin is finally making the character stand on his own two feet, but for years he was a total dogsbody.

4. Hank Pym

Hank Pym gets a really, really bad rap for hitting his wife. Which did happen, but to be fair Reed Richards, Spider-Man and Tony Stark have both done it too, and Pym was actually going crazy at the time, and trying to create an evil robot to defeat to impress the avengers. Yeah, not his finest hour, but not that far above the general douchebaggery of your standard superhero. Hell, the only reason he married Wasp in the beginning was because he had been mind wiped, and she convinced him that they were in love. And since that one stupid move, he’s been forever branded as a wife-beater, which isn’t fair because he’s redeemed himself far more than just about any other Avenger. Strangely, the original script called for him to accidentally hit his wife, but it got cranked up to 11 by the artist.

3. Cyclops

It’s not really a surprise that Wolverine gets all the fans, as he’s a bad-boy loner that provokes homoerotic obsession in many readers — but the actual leader of the X-Men seems to get a huge amount of flack for being boring. Which is weird, because he’s one of the biggest badasses in the Marvel universe. Behind Captain America, he’s the best leader in their universe, one of the best tacticians, has beaten the entire X-Men single-handedly using only non-lethal methods while burdened broken ribs. He’s trained every day since a young teenager to be the saviour of his species and will stop at nothing to do so. But you know what’s the biggest clue that he’s awesome? He beat Batman. On his own. So, yeah. Badass.

2. Wonder Woman

Despite being part of the holy trinity of DC heroes and being the most recognizable female comic hero in existence, Wonder Woman’s comics continually sell averagely and fanboys keep mocking her — but I can’t figure out why. She has an interesting set of villains — even though they’re not widely known — and Circe and Cheetah are both fantastic foils for the Amazon. She’s had some terrific writers (though some horrible ones) and her runs under Greg Rucka and Gail Simone were both utterly fantastic. Simone especially captured the mythical and epic feel that Wonder Woman can really have if well written. Yet somehow instead we get an Ally McBeal-ized version of her on TV. Say what?

1. Aquaman

I’ve never quite understood why Aquaman is the butt of so many superhero jokes. Do people honestly not realize just how powerful and badass of a character he is? He doesn’t just “talk to fish” he has mind control over all aquatic life. This guy can fucking tell Cthulhu what to do. He’s even tapped into the primitive chunk of the human brain before to control their emotions. He’s ludicrously strong, and fucking hardcore. He’s the ruler of ⅔ of the planet Earth, and will happily fuck your shit up if you mess with him. You know what happened after his hand got chewed off by animals? He stuck a goddamn harpoon on the end. That’s goddamn crazy! None of this super-friends BS, he’s one of the most interesting and underappreciated characters in comics.

10 Greatest Remakes of Vintage Sci-Fi Movies

The ’50s and ’60s were a golden age for science fiction movies; however, the remakes that those films inspired have frequently been dead-eyed, shuffling, Hollywood zombies. Nevertheless a few of their less blighted children have managed to get past their rubber tentacled heritage to become truly classic re-imaginings, and some have even surpassed the originals in popularity and critical acclaim. Here are some of the best.

10. Little Shop of Horrors (1986), remake of Little Shop of Horrors (1960)

You can quite simply forget the mediocre 1960 original — even if it does feature an early appearance by Jack Nicholson as a masochistic dental patient.


While both versions are about a lovable loser who acquires a killer plant which grows to giant proportions by feeding on human blood, the 1980s musical managed to be a funnier and altogether superior version. Levi Stubbs is especially hilarious as the voice of the giant Venus Flytrap, Audrey II, while ’80s staple Rick Moranis is superbly well-cast in the lead role.

From the moment Steve Martin appears to sing a song about how he became a dentist so he could cause his patients incredible pain, it’s clear which the better movie is. Feed me, Seymour!

9. Hollow Man (2000), remake of The Invisible Man (1933)

The groundbreaking 1930s original was about a mad scientist who dosed himself with a substance which made him invisible to the naked eye. The remake, which was also loosely inspired by the H.G. Wells book, was much the same except the scientist didn’t start out mad but was driven there by the power that being invisible gave him (and possibly by being played by Kevin Bacon!). If you thought the original shocker had good special effects, you should see the 2000 version (heh heh heh). Hollow Man’s invisible-skin-and-muscle effects were so effective they have actually been used to teach biology classes, even if the plot eventually turned into some standard slasher fare. He’s the invisible man, but not as Freddie Mercury would recognize him…

8. War of the Worlds (2005), remake of The War of the Worlds (1953)

In 2005 Steven Spielberg remade the classic sci-fi movie about a terrifying alien invasion with all new special effects; significantly, he replaced the 1950s’ smooth, force-shielded craft with the three-legged tripod design that we know and love from the book. Tom Cruise may be pretty scary these days, but even he has to run away when faced with a race of ancient aliens who’ve had their giant killer death machines buried under the Earth’s cities for millions of years. Were they the angry minions of Xenu? And how would the alien race know that the planet’s population centers wouldn’t move during that time?

Anyway, ignoring such questions, the remake of The War of the Worlds is a fast, highly effective re-imagining of the original movie which more than does the H.G. Wells novel justice; and some especially great scenes show just how devastating an alien invasion would be for the people at ground level.

7. The Nutty Professor (1996), remake of The Nutty Professor (1963)

The 1960s Jerry Lewis comedy was about a geeky professor who invented a potion which transformed him into smooth swinger Buddy Love. The remake featured a manic lead performance (well, seven lead performances) by Eddie Murphy, who played a number of different characters in the movie, and whose potion instead causes his chubby Professor Klump to lose over 250 pounds in weight. Murphy brings real heart to the Professor character which the original just didn’t have, but is still upstaged by newcomer David Chappelle who chews the scenery as one of the nastiest stand-up comedians of all time. The remake also manages to avoid subjecting the audience to 90 minutes of Jerry Lewis’ nasal voice, which is quite important in a comedy where you don’t want everyone to walk out halfway through.

6. The Blob (1988), remake of The Blob (1958)

The Steve McQueen movie about a blob from outer space which grows as it eats people was remade in the ’80s as a movie about a blob which grows as it eats people. Surprising? Well, what might be is that the new version was better acted, had a slightly more plausible reason for the blob’s existence (it didn’t just fall from the sky in a meteorite but was actually created as a Cold War weapons experiment) and featured far more gruesome special effects. The ’88 remake also allowed the shapeless creature to be a bit more dynamic in its movements — always helpful if you’re a pink blob. Especially memorable scenes include the character, Paul, being devoured whole by the creature and the monster wrecking havoc on the entire town during the climax. B-movie win.

5. The Manchurian Candidate (2004), remake of The Manchurian Candidate (1962)

John Frankenheimer’s satirical take on McCarthyism was remade as a spooky techno-chiller in the mid-2000s. The basic plot of both movies involves the son of a prominent political family being brainwashed into becoming the perfect assassin, with the new version substituting a corporate conspiracy for the original’s Red Peril. Denzel Washington’s performance in the ’00s version is creepily similar to the behavior of someone suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and the scenes of brainwashed soldiers chanting slogans in unison raise uncomfortable questions about the US military’s training methods. Also, Meryl Streep is a dead ringer for Hillary Clinton. The remake may not be quite as wry as the original but makes up for it by being much, much more paranoia-inducing. Anyone remember the line, “Sergeant Raymond… ‘Prentiss Shaw?”

4. Godzilla Final Wars (2004), remake of Godzilla (Gojira) (1954)

No, not the terrible 1998 Roland Emmerich version. The 1950s movie was the story of a giant monster created as a result of radioactivity terrorizing the city of Tokyo, in an obvious allegory for Japan’s fear of the A-bomb. It all started with a B-movie, and that’s the style in which the last installment in the 1999-2004 remake series ended, with the Japanese military reviving the ancient dinosaur to deal with various threats to the planet, including a horde of alien space ships and swarms of his old monster enemies. How screwed do you have to be when summoning Godzilla looks like a reasonable solution to your problem? There’s an especially good scene where ‘Zilla fights something suspiciously similar to the 1998 version and thoroughly thrashes it with one bite and a blast of nuclear fire. In your face, Roland Emmerich!

3. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)

Aliens are coming, they look just like us, and they replace us while we sleep… Don Siegel’s 1956 version of the body-stealing movie played heavily on the fear of communism, whilst the 1978 remake updated the story to be about paranoia and urban alienation; people felt that society had become so hollow and empty that the Body Snatchers could blend right in. The remake is especially notable for starring the lovable Mr Spock (Leonard Nimoy) as a creepy alien infiltrator, and for its iconic ending shot of Donald Sutherland pulling one of the scariest expressions it’s possible for a human face to wear.

2. The Thing (1982), remake of The Thing from Another World (1953)

The original sci-fi movie starred James Arness as a kind of blood-drinking, interstellar Frankenstein lookalike, who arrived on Earth courtesy of a flying saucer. The John Carpenter remake is a quantum leap in both special effects and suspense over the 1950s movie. Set in a claustrophobic Antarctic installation, a monstrous, shape-shifting alien infiltrates a group of researchers — and not to talk about the weather! During the course of the movie it victimizes various scientists in horrible ways, including eating one guy’s hands with its stomach, and absorbing a pack of huskies into its body while it’s unwisely locked up with them overnight.

The movie is well-regarded amongst horror fans for having some of the best and most disgusting special effects of its time, most of which hold up well even today in front of audiences used to characterless CGI monsters.

1. The Fly (1986), remake of The Fly (1958)

Based on the, to some minds, corny 1950s Vincent Price movie, the 1986 version is the classic example of a remake blowing the original out of the maggot-infested water. Jeff Goldblum gives his best performance in the new version as the scientist, Seth Brundle, whose teleportation experiment goes very, very wrong, merging his DNA with that of an insect. Rather than swapping body parts with the insect, as in the original, the effect is to gradually transform him into a giant fly. Visionary director David Cronenberg throws in tons of disturbing imagery, with the human/fly hybrid’s body gradually disintegrating until it comes to resemble Michael Jackson in his South Park appearance.

The movie has appeared on various “best movie” lists, won multiple awards, and was even made into a successful opera in 2008. Now that’s a remake!